Funny-of-the-Week: Let's Compare Men and Women...

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOL! I'm betting you smiled and agreed with at least two of these comparisons!!! Hope you're enjoying your day!!!

Ten Things (We Feel) Guys Should NOT Do

Take notes, Men!

This morning, during my usual commute on the MTA trains, this man in front of me pulled out a lip balm (or at least I hope it was a lip balm) that looked very much like a lip primer. (For those of you who don't know what a lip primer is/looks like, it's usually a tube of colorless [white] lipstick that you wear underneath your actual lipstick/liner to help seal the color. If you're interested in very affordable yet wonderfully effective make-up options, I will definitely be telling you about some in later posts. Now, back to my story...)

I couldn't help but stare at the guy thinking, "WTH? Is that really the impression you want to make on the world?" (I mean, even the guy next to him was staring at the guy's "lipstick"!) Now, maybe "Lip Primer Man" was gay and didn't care if he looked effeminate. Maybe he was from a different culture and just didn't know any better. But this led me to think of many things that guys do that either make them look effeminate or just annoy the crap out of women. I thought I'd share a bit of advice with you guys on only ten of the things that some guys do (because there are plenty more) that a lot of us women can live without!!!

(Disclaimer: I am not venting about my husband here!!! He is a wonderful man! I'm talking about other men I have known or come into contact with in the past!!!)

Ten Things (We Feel) Guys Should NOT Do:

1. Well, this first one is probably obvious. Don't use products that most people will relate as effeminate unless you are trying to advertise that you're gay/clueless. (See above: "Lip Primer Man") Now, of course, there are the times when honest mistakes are made. Every once in awhile, a man can be in a hurry and accidentally grab something of his significant other's that looks like it could be one of his.

----->Here's an example: Once my husband wore glittery lip balm for a train ride. If
you knew my husband, you'd understand how funny he probably looked.
He's a big man, built like a linebacker, and very manly at that. He must have
looked like this big, gruffly-looking dude trying to look pretty. It just wouldn't
have worked. He was sooo embarrassed by it when he actually saw himself in
a mirror! So, for those instances, Men, you're excused. (I love you, Honey!
Hope you don't mind me sharing this story!!! It was for the good of mankind!
:-*)

2. This one kind of goes along with number one. In America, please do not wear pink!!! It's a woman's color! And to all of the men that wear "salmon" or any other derivative of pink; they count as pink!!! In other countries, pink may be acceptable for a man to wear but not in America, People.
(Reminder: You can choose to disagree with me but that's why this is my list.)

3. Piercings are for women. Oh, I'm aware of how controversial I'm probably getting here but I guess in this way, I'm a bit old-fashioned.

4. Speaking of old-fashioned, I believe that, when a couple is just starting to date, a man should never expect a woman to pay for her date or go dutch. Please! Don't even try to call on "women's lib" as an excuse to do this. Unless you've discussed this beforehand and you know that's what the woman wants, going dutch is just an excuse to be cheap!!!

5. The whole point of women's lib was not so men could say "Women want to do everything men can do now. So, why should I give up a seat or open a door for her if she doesn't want to be slaving over a hot stove all day?" I've got three words for you: "Get...over...yourself!" Didn't your Mama teach you better? I especially hate when a female and a male are in a race to get a seat in a public setting. Dude, you're a guy!!! Be a gentleman!!! If you're not a gentleman, don't you dare expect to land yourself a lady!!!

6. Don't expect something of your woman that you wouldn't do yourself. For example, don't expect your woman not to hang the phone up on you when she's upset if you would do the same. That's called a double-standard!!!

7. Speaking of double standards, for all the dads out there, why is it okay for your son to do certain things that your daughter is not allowed to? If you raised her right, you should be able to trust her to make the right choices, shouldn't you? Just because you were a boy once and did/thought some crazy things does not give you the right to keep your daughter holed up in your home until she's thirty!!!

8. What is up with all of the false bravado? I've encountered so many men who claim they could beat this guy up or that guy up. Come on now! If you really could do so, why do you have to talk it to death??? The only true test would be if you ever really had to do it!
------>Take my husband for example. He almost never claims that he can beat other guys up. But I know he could. By what he's actually done in the past! Not by words that he's spoken.

9. Oh, and Guys? We know that you speak very differently around your guy friends than you do around us. Why is it that you have this 'guy speak'? I understand that you talking about things that maybe some women may not understand (like Sports) may seem like a foreign language to us. But that is not what I am speaking of. Don't act or say one thing around your friends and then be all different with us. Remove the masks. Be yourselves! And if you can't be yourself around your friends, then they're not really your friends. That saying may feel a bit cliched but it's so true! Life experience should tell you that!!!

10. And last but most certainly not least, we don't need you to be Superman. In the words of my best (female) friend, "If I wanted a super hero, I'd be [with] a cartoon!" You don't always have to do things "big" or perfectly. Just do your best. That is all we expect of you. If you do things for us out of the kindness of your heart, we will love you so much more for it!

There you have it, Guys! A list of just ten basic guidelines to follow, according to me (and plenty of other women)!!! Now, what do you have to say about that?!